Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Study Reveals New Stage of Development in Elderly.....

Cambridge, MA- A new trend is emerging, and for once it doesn't involve millennial date-sharing apps or the Kardashian's new line of cosmetic cervical caps. A recent study from AARP, Inc. has revealed that an increasing number of older Americans are taking part in a previously unheard of stage of development that experts are calling Elderly-onset transchronia (EOT). Social media, as is often the case, has boiled this complex concept down into its more meme friendly essence: "infanting".

A 72-year-old retired accountant demonstrating Stage 3 adult-onset transchronia

"This is a previously unheard of stage of development," developmental geriatrician Mort Fishman, MD explained. "For every adulting 22-year-old graduate student learning to do laundry for the first time or how to get a passport, I'm seeing a retired neurosurgeon sucking their thumb and putting on their first diaper in decades."

Elderly-onset transchronia, like the midlife crisis in younger adults, involves a transition of identity, likely in response to stressful life events or perhaps a growing awareness of their own mortality. The midlife crisis often presents as depression, anxiety, or an intense desire to make lifestyle changes in an attempt to recapture lost youth, but it can be benign and it tends to resolve. EOT, however, results in an increasingly focused obsession with living life as an infant that persists until death.

Transchronia in the elderly appears to go through several stages of increasingly infantile behavior. According to Fishman, the first stage is often very subtle, with the development of stranger anxiety or an infatuation with a set of jingling house keys. "By stage 3, bowel and bladder control has been lost and a diaper is required. At stage 7, object permanence is lost. At stage 9, driving may no longer be safe."

Friday, March 17, 2017

Area Middle School Student Council President Signs Executive Order to Investigate Cootie Shot Safety.....

Spearfish, SD- Spearfish Middle School student council president Chance Tater, keeping a promise made during a contentious campaign last Fall, has signed an executive order establishing a Cootie Shot Safety Commission.

President Tater, shown here wearing a dress shirt, tie, khaki cargo shorts and sandals with socks to prom.

"I have had concerns regarding the safety of the cootie shot for years," Tater, an 8th grade student who loves playing basketball and hopes to see a girls boob at camp over the Summer, explained during 3rd period Social Studies. "I had two friends who totally changed after getting a booster at recess during 6th grade orientation. I couldn't hang out with them anymore. And one of them had a pool at their house!"

Tater further announced during an emergency recess press conference held in the cafeteria today that he would be putting school food service assistant Carl, a 62-year-old lifelong Spearfish resident and three-time alien abductee, in charge of the commission. Carl, who has questioned the need for a cootie shot in past, offered an award to any student who could prove beyond even the slightest doubt that the cootie shot is completely safe. "If they can do it, I'll let them into the cafeteria storage room for fifteen minutes, alone, and no questions asked."

Not everyone at Spearfish Middle is pleased with the president's agenda. Principle Don Lyon, a firm believer in the safety, efficacy, and need for the cootie shot, remembers a time when cooties was rampant among the student population. "I normally wouldn't interfere with student politics. They need to learn. But this is the same guy who accused the guidance counselor of leaking his transcript to the Spearfish Student Gazette. Let's just say that President Tater should get used to being in the 8th grade."

Friday, January 6, 2017

Five More Dead in Latest Puppy Fever Outbreak.....

Belvidere, NE- Health officials are warning Belvidere residents to avoid pet stores, dog parks, and even dog friendly businesses as the number of deaths related to puppy fever has increased by five to over ninety people since the first case was reported in early December.

Area puppy Chester Ruffington III, shown wrapped in a light blue baby blanket and gloating over the death of his latest victim, may be the worst serial killer in Thayer county history.
"This is the worst public health disaster in Thayer county in decades," Thayer County Health Officer Mort Fishman, MD explained. "I've seen the bodies, many of which are children. Dead children whose little hearts were full of love for these God damned puppies. Love and clotted blood. It's the clotted blood that actually killed them, but the love was there."

Despite the casualties, twelve of which occurred during a therapy dog visit to the Shady Acres Home for Wayward Tots and Teens (formerly Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Youth), Belvidere mayor Spooner Jenkins has asked that residents remain calm. According to Mayor Jenkins, the town has faced hardship in the past and persevered. "I certainly don't want to downplay the deaths of so many of our beloved townspeople, but this is why you aren't supposed to feed them after midnight. Or was that the gremlins. I can't keep up."




Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Creole Climatologists Reveal Shocking New Data on Atmospheric Tony Chachere Levels.....

New Orleans, LA- Experts at the New Orleans Department of Creole Climatology (NODCC) have announced that for the first time since data collection began in 1972, South Louisiana atmospheric levels of Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning did not dip below 400 ppm during 2016.

Pirogue Turducken, the South Louisiana Regional Campaign Coordinator for TroisCentCinquante.org and First Chair accordion in the Mamou Chamber Orchestra, shown here looking longingly out into the crowd
"Typically we see an atmospheric nadir during peak crawfish boil season in mid to late Spring," Creole climatologist and NODCC Chief Mirliton Gauthier explained. "That's when large amounts of the naturally occurring blend of flavorful spices are bound up by crawfish, corn on the cob, new red potatoes, sausage, and maybe a few pounds of boiled gulf shrimp. Aw, cher. Ca c'est bon!"

Not everyone thinks that rising Tony Chachere levels are a reason to panic, however. File' Boudin Prejean Jr., lead strategist at the Thibodeaux, LA branch of the Cateaux Institute, is calling for government leaders in South Louisiana to avoid rushing into any decisions. "The levels are rising, I can't deny that. But this is a complicated process with many factors playing a role, from the recent historic floods to the Saint's defense this year. Hasty policy changes are not the answer."

Monday, January 2, 2017

Area Animal Shelter to Execute One Dog Every Hour Unless Adoption Demands are Met.....

Lafayette, LA- Bayou Vermilion Animals-N-Need, a non-profit animal shelter serving the people of Lafayette and St. Martin parishes since 1981, and operated by the Fido's Friends Network, has announced that they will execute one dog every hour starting tomorrow at 8 a.m. and continuing until all remaining dogs are either dead or adopted.

Area puppy Leonard Samuelson, shown here adorably crying out for help from his personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, will be executed tomorrow unless adopted by a loving and stable family, preferably without other dogs., by 6 p.m.
"It's certainly a radical departure from the standard approach to encouraging pet adoption," shelter manager Clip Remington explained. "But many of these animals have spent years in the system, and frankly we were out of options after last week's failed Guns for Pups event. Now it's in the hands of the good people of our community to keep these dogs alive. They know how to put an end to this."

The shelter's plan is quickly drawing criticism from animal right's groups around the world. One such group, Animal Autonomy Now (AAN), is calling for an immediate stay of execution. According to AAN president Fran Leafletter, there are more effective ways to promote the assimilation of shelter animals into human society without requiring adoption. "Instead of what is essentially a transfer of ownership without consent of all involved parties, why not set up a mutually agreed upon relationship where the dog provides goods and/or services in exchange for room and board? This is 2017. Dogs can smell cancer now!"




Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El


Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Area Parents Struggle to Discuss Trump Victory with Young Democrats.....

Brookline, MA-  Many Clinton supporting Brookline toddlers awoke to the shocking news of a Trump victory today, leaving their parents burdened with the challenge of calming their fears and guiding them through a complex discussion of an uncertain future.

Parents Dawn and Felipe Ramirez, shown here holding a framed image of their unborn fetus captured at the exact moment he was told that Trump had won the election

"My sweet, innocent 4-year-old daughter awoke in a new country this morning," Brookline parent Allysa Hightower explained. "I sobbed that Trump had won and that the country was falling apart and she cried in desperate solidarity, joining me in anguish over the choices of our electorate. The video I made already has over two hundred Likes on Facebook!"

Pediatric mental health professionals, like Mort Fishman MD from the Center for Politically Conscious Preschoolers, are calling on parents of so-called "nasty toddlers" to handle any discussions of the election in a reassuring and thoughtful manner. He recommends the use of child-friendly communication tools like Play-Doh or hand puppets in order to help young children to fully grasp the consequences of the election and the now unavoidable hellscape of Trump's America. "The toddlers have it rough, but I really feel bad for the unborn Clinton supporters who have been apprised of the election results but have no means of communicating their fears outside of facial expressions or at best a rudimentary form of Morse code."


Friday, November 4, 2016

New Hospital Infection Control Guidelines Recommend Single-Use Therapy Dogs.....

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2020.

Single-use therapy dog Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before incineration

"The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President William G. Powderly explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values."

While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD, Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2012. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident."

Friday, August 19, 2016

Toilets are the New Smoking, Some Doctors Say Maybe?

Sinks, paper towel dispensers, hand dryers, latching stall doors, and flushing toilets are ubiquitous in bathrooms across the United States. There are varying degrees of technology, such as hands-free faucets or those Japanese toilets that analyze stool for vitamin deficiencies, but our bathrooms have many more similarities than differences. One important similarity is our American sedentary personal hygiene culture, and studies are showing that all that sitting on the toilet may be hazardous to our health.

An example of the sedentary toileting style popular in the United States

Whether at home, at work, or masturbating at the local library, American adults are spending a lot of time on toilets, and some experts say it's taking its toll on our bodies. The Ye Olde Nebraskian recently interviewed Dr. Mort Fishman, director of the Center for Research and Studies in Belvidere, Nebraska and inventor of the standing and treadmill toilets. Fishman has spent the better part of three decades investigating the consequences of an increasingly sedentary approach to toileting on our health and has come up with and extremely simple explanation:

"Seated toileting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than Ebola, and is riskier than wrestling a shark on his birthday. We are quite literally shitting ourselves to death."

Fishman was the first medical researcher to compare seated toilet time with smoking, but he's not alone in his fight to change the way we defecate. Piles of research has been published revealing that prolonged sitting on the toilet increases the risk of developing various cancers, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes. "In regions of the world where these luxury diseases are almost unheard of, invariably these are cultures that spend very little time sitting on flush toilets. There are many conditions not even described in the academic literature until after their invention."

Still, there are many unanswered questions. Is there any acceptable amount of seated toilet time? Can these detrimental health effects be counteracted by increased exercise or by making the switch to a standing toilet later in life? Does maternal sedentary toileting cause autism? Is breastfeeding protective?

Until the science is clear, experts near the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are recommending that we keep seated toilet time to the exact amount necessary. Fishman recommends that anyone using a conventional seated flush toilet should remove all reading material from the bathroom and install a system that administers an electric shock after a predetermined amount of time has passed. But he has an even better solution: cultural evolution. "Why are we relying on the use of what is essentially a 16th century technology? We have astronauts crapping in space for Christ's sake. Stand up for your health!"

Monday, August 15, 2016

Doctors Discover Terrifying Ghost Baby in Local Woman's Uterus, Skeptics Baffled.....

Culpeper, VA- It's on every woman's nightmare top ten list, a haunted or possessed uterus. Unfortunately for one Culpeper teen, this nightmare has become a reality. Doctors at Culpeper Regional Hospital are reporting a shocking discovery during the routine ultrasound of a female patient being seen for unexplained bloating and abdominal pain.

Unexplained entity seen on ultrasound of Culpeper teen

"We thought we were working up a simple case of appendicitis with a small intestinal obstruction, but there it was on the screen," emergency medicine physician Mort Fishman explained. "I called in everyone, even the janitor and that nun that's always skulking around the ICU. It was pretty grainy and a bit blurry, but we all saw it. And I think it saw us."

The woman, who has not been identified, was released into the custody of her parents and under the supervision of Father Mark Moretti from nearby Precious Blood Catholic Church. Her parents have requested privacy but did release the following statement: "We suspected something was wrong weeks ago when she complained of frequent bouts of intense nausea and unusual food cravings. That demon probably got in there while she was on her senior trip to Boston back in April."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of demon babies during his 50 years in Culpeper. "Demon babies come and demon babies go around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."