Monday, March 11, 2024

Is Anal Candling Right for You?.....

Sedona, AZ - More holistic health experts are touting the practice of anal candling, an ancient and popular treatment for constipation and other gut-related health concerns.

A child, shown here with an anal candle being improperly used in the ear by an unqualified provider and just prior to his painful death as a result of what experts refer to as "a brain geyser"

"Thermo-Rectal therapy with candles dates back to the times of the Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks," Dr. Robert Bibby, medical director at Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in Sedona and certified anal candling provider, explained. "Some research even suggests that the first anal candlers were the Native American Hopi Indian tribe of North Arizona, who relied on the them for health of the distal colon and to promote emotional and spiritual well-being."  

Anal candles are traditionally made by rolling unbleached muslin cloth into a hollow cone and then coating it with wax, similar to how an ear candle is made, though they are typically much more powerful. The pointed end of the candle is gently inserted a few inches past the anus and the other end is lit. Proponents of the therapy claim that anal candles are more comfortable and less expensive than conventional enemas in which a liquid is forced into the rectum.

As with ear candles, the proposed mechanism behind the benefit of the anal version is the creation of a vacuum. According to Bibby, smoke from the burning candle travels into the rectum that warms and softens fecal matter. "The suction and vibration from the flame dislodge the warm stool and other foreign debris and pulls it into the anal candle, which many patients report as being a rather pleasant sensation. Some come back weekly to stay ahead of the constipation."

Another proposed benefit from anal candling is an improvement in overall gut health. This is believed to come from the heat entering the rectum, which increases blood flow both to and from the surrounding tissue. Improved circulation helps to remove excess toxin build up and restore important digestive function to the distal colon. Bibby believes that regular anal candling can improve lymphatic flow throughout the body, balance emotions, and help manage even severe and chronic foggy bottom. 

Anal candling is a procedure that requires trust between both a patient and a provider. Bibby stressed the importance of finding a fully certified practitioner. "If somebody thinks that they can just shove an ear candle up your ass, you might want to look elsewhere. They just don't create the kind of suction force that you need. Ask them about their wax options and if they use non-GMO cotton. What scents are available? Are they certified organic essential oils? Are the matches used to light the candle made by a loving hand using blessed poplar wood or mass produced in some factory? These things really matter."

Monday, March 4, 2024

Deadly Moose Attack May Have Involved Muffin, Authorities Reveal.....

Cloquet, MN - During an emergency press conference held today at Gordy's Hi Hat Drive-Inn, Moose Lake State Park manager Don Del Greco revealed that yesterday's moose related death of 37-year-old Cloquet native Darrell Darrellson likely involved a quarrel over a muffin.

An enraged moose, shown here demanding more muffins despite being told that he had already eaten all of the muffins and just prior to be shot by a park ranger

"We have some solid evidence and the pieces are beginning to fit together," Del Greco explained. "It appears that the moose, after it was given the muffin by the deceased, wanted some jam to go with it. Darrellson likely refused, it being his mother's jam and all, and we believe that the enraged moose then trampled him in bloody reprisal."

Cloquet, a small town located on the St. Louis river and home to the only gas station designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, is no stranger to tragedy. According to the town's mayor, Roger Maki, residents are still reeling from the September 2023 death of Timmy Martin, a 10-year-old child who had given a pig a pancake but then refused to share his favorite maple syrup. "For the love of God, just stop giving these animals breakfast foods. And if you absolutely must do so, be prepared to give them whatever dip, sauce, spread, or topping they demand. No jam is worth a human life, not even Myrna Darrellson's homemade blackberry jam."

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Wonka Chocolate Factory Owner Faces Backlash After Suggesting Consumers Save Money by Chewing Gum for Dinner.....

Wonkaville - The CEO of Wonka Chocolate Factory is facing criticism after suggesting in an interview on This Week in Wonkavilla that townsfolk struggling to put food on the table could save money by chewing the factory's Three Course Dinner chewing gum for dinner instead.

Former factory owner Willard Wilbur Wonka, shown here holding a prototype of the Three Course Dinner chewing gum and just prior to the tragic death of a child touring the factory with her father

"The chewing gum category has always been quite affordable and it's probably more on trend now," current Wonka Chocolate Factory owner Charlie Bucket explained. "If you think about the cost of gum for a family versus potatoes and cabbages, it tends to be a great destination when consumers are under pressure."

Bucket's comments have not been well received, with many pointing out that gum, even if it is the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world, is not a satisfying or nutritionally complete meal replacement option. But Bucket isn't backing down. "Like Grandpa Joe always said, people who don't listen are nitwits. Maybe it's time to give chicken the night off. This gum is almost like the real thing, starting with tomato soup, roast beef, and baked potato, and then finishing with blueberry pie and cream. And it hasn't made anyone explode in decades."

Monday, February 26, 2024

Zithromax May Soon Be Available in Powerful New Amulet Form.....

New York City - American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Pfizer has announced that it is seeking FDA approval of a powerful new amulet form of its popular antibiotic Zithromax.

Subject #17, shown here wearing a prototype Zithromax amulet during a recent study in patients who think they might be coming down with a cold 

"Zithromax is a name that prescribers and patients have learned to trust since it first hit the market in 1991," Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "But we are always seeking to develop new and innovative ways to improve access and adherence to our lifesaving and life changing pharmaceuticals."

If approved, patients prescribed a Zithromax amulet (marketed as Z-Pec) will be advised to begin wearing the provided necklace with the drug-infused pendant hanging against the anterior chest wall at the first sign of illness. According to Bourla, the official indication will upper respiratory infections, but there will likely be additional benefits. "We have studied the Z-Pec in thousands of people in several phase 3 trials, and it is every bit as effective as oral Zithromax when it comes to the treatment of cough, runny nose, and sore throat. And not a single subject was attacked by a tiger at any point during these studies. Not even once."

Sunday, February 25, 2024

Advertisement: Bulletproof Achieve® Formula for Ideal Infant Nutrition

[The following is a paid advertisement for Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

A gassy baby, angered by being fed standard infant formula instead of Bulletproof Achieve®, faces an uncertain and ultimately unfulfilling life

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Thursday, February 22, 2024

Vinay Prasad Announces Plan to Publish a Book of Pandemic Inspired Poetry for Children.....

San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, a controversial medical doctor and critic of what he believes has been an overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the pandemic, has announced plans to publish a book of Poetry inspired by his experiences over the past four years.

Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams

"This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Cora's Coronavirus Conniption, explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences."

In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of face masks, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave."

The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament":

My doctor says it's just a poke

He says a funny little joke 

While Mommy signs the dotted line

And promises I'll be just fine

We do not want it in our arms

Until there is data on the harms

And what about our little hearts

And other special body parts 

Who speaks for those who have no voice

Who fights for those who have no choice

Here lies a child who once was told

A vaccine helps them to grow old

The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

More Americans Born Underwater, Study Finds.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a recently published study looking into where Americans are choosing to have their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Research Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

A mother explaining to her child how the emptiness inside her will never be filled because she was forced into the world by a cold and sterile medical-industrial complex instead of welcomed by the loving energy of these fish 

"Although the study was designed to investigate the popularity and driving forces behind the delivery of babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix explained. "It looks like non-hospital delivery options have expanded well beyond the more traditional options, such as cars, elevators, or the kitchen table."

According to the study, which was published in Online Publishing Module #2,780: Birth and Birth-Adjacent Modalities, greater than 50% of Americans are now delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of an aquatic midwife, water doula, or theme park mermaid. Mort Fishman, MD, the medical director at Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that the study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and a desire for a more natural and drug-free childbirth:
When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of koi fish, you wouldn't dream of even considering another species for your future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, some calming aromatherapy, and this organic leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue.

The results of the year-long survey may not come as much of a surprise to pop culture experts. A growing trend among celebrities over the past few years, so-called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the joyous event. Another episode documented Noah BublĂ©, son of singer Michael BublĂ© and singer Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute deployed.

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Largest U.S. Organization of Experts in Adult Medicine to Offer Training in Pediatrics.....

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia-based American College of Physicians, an organization of adult medicine doctors with more than 160,000 members, has announced that it will begin offering a Diplomate in Clinical Medical Pediatrics (DCMP) in 2025.

DCMP instructor Dr. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine doctor in Pittsburgh and ACP Master, shown here silently judging a 5-year-old child with fecal incontinence

"The ACP is the largest medical-specialty organization and second-largest physician group in the United States after the AMA," ACP President Omar T. Atiq explained. "And with the extraordinary experience of our internist instructors combined with the latest pediatric information available in textbooks and online, this program is a must if you are thinking about caring for children in your clinical practice."

The DCMP program is structured on the science, art, and philosophy of pediatrics and will include more than 360 hours of instruction, combining both classroom and online modules. According to DCMP instructor Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician for nearly four decades, the curriculum is comprehensive. "In addition to the learning modules, which were designed by a panel of adult medicine experts such as myself, there will also be a mandatory presentation before a panel of academic adult subspecialists, and a research paper on a common pediatric topic for submission to the Annals of Internal Medicine's new "Kidz Zone" section."

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Republican Fears Realized as Swift Cancels Super Bowl, Makes Move to Consolidate Power.....

New York - Republican politicians and their base of conservative voters are reeling as news spreads of an announcement from Taylor Swift that will all but ensure a Biden victory in November and pave her path to power.

Swift, who is prone to fits of rage when her authority is questioned, is shown here reminding a crowd of reporters that she alone will decide who gets to be president

"I'm not telling people who they should or shouldn't vote for y'all," Swift explained during a press conference held today at Republic Records' Manhattan headquarters. "I'm just saying that I don't see myself putting out any new music or organizing any new tours in Trump's America."

Swift, a popular singer and songwriter who has developed a cult-like following of irrational fans, millions of which are of voting age and will blindly comply with her every demand, has also recently taken over the NFL. According to league commissioner Roger Goodell, this is only the beginning of her reign of terror. "You didn't hear this from me, but don't expect there to be much football played at her surprise concert in Las Vegas Sunday night. Those boys will have great seats for the show, and that's better than any fancy ring."

Thursday, February 8, 2024

Advertisement: World's First Concealed Holster Acupressure System for Sciatic Pain

[The following is a paid advertisement for the ReActiv+. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

Sciatic nerve pain, commonly known as sciatica, affects millions of people around the world every day. The severe lower back and leg pain experienced by people with sciatica can make it hard to do many of the everyday things that we often take for granted, like yelling at people wearing an N95 surgical mask at the library, and it can significantly reduce a sufferer's quality of life. But does it put you and your family at risk of being murdered, probably by an immigrant that just walked across the border, just walked across like they were crossing the street to buy eggs?

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Sciatica expert Mort Fishman, one of the last white male physicians in America, shown here recommending the ReActiv+ holster because this isn't even America anymore

According to the American Gun Rights Institute, a sciatica patient is killed every 7 seconds because they don't have a real American weapon to protect themselves. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were a simple yet ingenious way to this treat sciatica while also helping to conceal a subcompact or compact handgun? Thanks to the ReActiv+ concealed holster acupressure system, now there is. It's true. Don't make me say it again!

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The ingenious design of the ReActiv+ holster applies a specific and targeted pressure directly into the acupoint just below the knee that is proven most effective* in the reduction of sciatic nerve pain. You can wear it while playing with your kids, riding your bike, gardening, playing pickleball, or going into town to buy eggs. Now you can do everything you have ever dreamed of doing, and without having to worry about being gunned down in the street by a random stranger or being unable to gun down a random stranger who accidentally bumps into you while speaking Spanish. You'll feel powerful and people will respect you.

Ladies love an egg man!

The ReActiv+ holster allows you to live, to work, and to take back your country pain free. And though its stylish design would impress and/or terrify anyone you might encounter on the street, it is designed to be be worn discreetly under the clothes**. And it's so effective at treating sciatica that the FDA cleared it as a medical device that exists and probably won't kill you. Seriously. And on the first try too!

* As demonstrated in a triple blinded crossover study involving twelve arthritic mice who ate 15% more cheese when wearing a tiny holster on their little mouse legs 
** State laws may vary