Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Kinesio Tape Restarts Heart During Disney Half Marathon.....

Orlando, FL- Participants in the 2014 Disney Princess Half Marathon, which was held on February 23rd and took runners on a whimsical course through Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, witnessed a miracle of modern physiotherapy when an application of a popular brand of elastic therapeutic tape restarted the heart of an 81-year-old man.

"I've never seen anything like it before," cardiologist and runner Dr. Mort Fishman explained. "I was right there. One minute the man was pulseless, the next he was finishing the race covered in pink and lavender strips of elastic tape! It looked like some kind of futuristic war paint."

Kinesio Tape comes in pretty colors!
Use of Kinesio Tape, the most popular brand of therapeutic elastic tape currently on the market, has become increasingly prevalent over the past few years. Many high level athletes, even those competing in the Olympics, can frequently be seen with various body parts covered in strategically placed strips of multicolored tape. Typically the tape is applied to help correct the alignment of weak muscles and to facilitate joint motion as the tape stretches and recoils.

Some proponents claim that properly applied Kinesio Tape also increases blood flow and the circulation of lymphatic fluid, and limits pressure on pain receptors in the tissue. They believe that this decreases swelling, flushes away lactic acid and reduces the pain of sore muscles. But this is the first reported case of the product restoring electrical activity to a lifeless heart.

A few closed-minded skeptics, like David Gorski, who may or may not be a medical doctor, refuse to even entertain the possibility that Kinesio Tape could restart a man's heart. "It's literally impossible. It would violate everything we know about human physiology and adhesive technology!" But arguments from ignorance like these from people with uncertain credentials won't convince Maynard Jones, the man whose life was saved by Kinesio Tape near the marker for mile ten, and the many thousands of men and women who have benefited from its use in other ways.

"I remember a sharp pain in my chest and then waking up with my chest nearly completely covered in tape," Jones revealed. "It felt good and I thought I could finish the race. I'm just grateful that so many of the other runners were covered in the stuff and didn't mind sharing. If this stuff could bring me back from the dead, just imagine what else it could do!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

LOL! Great spoof. Can you write one about homeopathy curing cancer next?